In a recent letter, Nelson Strasser brooded because he is 69 and worrying about his life and soul. There is no hope unless he renounces the sins of liberal Democrats.
One night standing mid-watch aboard a submarine in Pearl Harbor I gazed at stars and wondered where the universe ended. I spent the next year reading every philosophy book in Honolulu. When finished, I was no longer a Christian but a liberal Democrat.
For years I reveled in fighting, philandering and fornicating. I was cured when I fell in love with a disgustingly honest Christian teenager named Jackie, near Los Angeles, and became a conservative Republican. Soon after I met her I carved two hearts on a tree with our initials. She laughed and apprised me that eucalyptus trees shed their bark every year.
In twilight at the corner of Bellflower and Imperial Highway, I proposed on my knees with the silhouette of a picturesque mountain in the distance. She replied, “Of course I will, you fool; get back in the car.”
Later she told me we were across the street from Red Star Fertilizer and the silhouette was a hill of manure.
She became a July bride in Long Beach Navy Chapel because I was aboard a submarine in Scotland in June. A week after we were married the chapel was bulldozed and replaced with an office building. At the reception, her relatives eyed that beautiful girl and a dumb submarine sailor and gave the marriage six months max.
We embarked honeymooning through Yosemite, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls and the Sub base in Connecticut. In those days a girl usually got married before having children. I believe I married the last virgin in California. However, by the time we reached Connecticut she had the hang of it.
I married her from love at first sight. She said she married me to abandon her drunken father.
Now we’ve been married 57 years and she is still disgustingly honest. Recently we bought a plot for the two of us to share in the oldest part of Kelseyville Cemetery where you can have any kind of headstone you want.
We each wrote what we wanted engraved on our headstone. I wrote, “Jackie isn’t it comforting to know we will share eternity together?” Later I peeked at what she wrote for her headstone: “Randy, I’m not here. I found someone younger and richer. Look me up when you finish with eternity.”
Nelson, save yourself; become an honest Republican. I’m nearly 82 and life is a blast.
Randy Ridgel lives in Kelseyville, Calif.