“If handled with warmth and understanding, a child’s early experience with the death of someone loved can be an opportunity to learn about life and living as well as death and dying.” – Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

National Children’s Grief Awareness Day will take place this year on Thursday, Nov. 20.

In honor and support of children who have lost a loved one Hospice Services of Lake County offers some guidelines that may prove helpful concerning children and grief.

1. Be a good observer. Observe how children are behaving. Ask questions and explore their answers and don’t rush in to give explanations.

2. A child’s reaction to the death of a loved one is neither immediate nor obvious. Remain patient and make yourself available to them. Children may repeat the same question about the death again and again. It’s natural. Repeating questions and getting answers helps them understand and adjust to the loss. Adults shouldn’t worry about having all the answers. The answers aren’t as important as the fact that you are responding to the questions in a way that shows you care.

3. If you are old enough to love, you are old enough to mourn. Children are part of the family as well. Reassurance comes from the presence of loving people. Children feel secure in the care of gentle arms and tenderness.

4. When describing the death of a loved one to a child, use simple and direct language. When a death occurs, children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance, and understanding.

5. Be honest. Express your own feelings regarding the death. In doing so, children have a model for expressing their own feelings. It is OK to cry.

6. Allow children to express a full range of feelings. Anger, guilt, despair, and protest are natural reactions to the death of someone loved.

7. Allow children to participate. Let them be part of the planning arrangements for the funeral. They may not completely understand the ceremony, but being involved helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on even though someone loved has died. Children should be allowed to attend, but not be forced. Viewing the body of a loved one can also be a positive experience. It provides an opportunity to say “goodbye” and helps children accept the reality of the death. As with attending the funeral, seeing the body should not be forced.

8. Grief is a complex part of life. It will vary from child to child. Adults can share that this feeling of grief is nothing to be ashamed of or something to hide. Grief is a natural expression of love. With love and understanding, adults can guide children through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a child’s personal growth and development.

Linda Laing, MFT, is manager of bereavement services for Hospice Services of Lake County, Calif.